Guys: 5 things NEVER to say on a date

I kid you not, here are five things I've heard on dates since I've been in Las Vegas. Keep in mind that nobody held a gun to my head forcing me to go out with these fellas; no, something in my brain decided, "Sure, give this one a try." Here goes:

1. "I'd love to hang out and talk, but I gotta get to Check City (payday loan company) before they close.” Soooo, I guess I'm picking up this tab, huh?

2. "I flossed my teeth for you." Well, I am worth it. And I hope you put on some deodorant, too. But I most definitely did not wax the bikini line for you.

3. “Would you like to see a picture of my 6-week-old baby?” Is this a date or an interview for a nanny?

4. "Did I ever tell you about the time I got in a road rage fight in the parking lot after my anger management class?" (This was the same guy who picked me up at my apartment and handed me not flowers, but a brochure about his chronic mental illness.) (And I went out with him for like 6 months.)*

5. “I’ve ever been with anyone so old.” Well, I’ve never been with anyone so stupid.

I sometimes do a bit in my stand-up routine that goes like, "I hate it when women say 'All men are assholes.' I mean, I wish! There'd be more for me to date!"

I'm kidding, of course, and let the record state that I love, love, LOVE men. But holy shit I need to get out of the habit of choosing guys simply because they'd be a great source of material for my comedy act or my next book.

* I should say that #4 is actually one of my favorite men on earth. See my Veteran's Day blog post and you'll know why.

It's all good... yep, it's all good.